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Come learn how he ate the dog

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 19, 2009 by Alec L

I’m back to deliver on my promise to start posting translations of Russian authors who are hard to find in English, and our first likely lad is Yevgenii Grishkovets (also transliterated “Yevgeni Grishkovetz”). This contemporary writer has basically made a career of selling memoirs, in many of his works drawing extensively on his experiences growing up in the heart of Siberia, serving in the navy and returning to Russia after traveling the world.

I first read his memoir “Reki” because it’s relatively doable Russian for a non-native, and I’ve just finished reading the equally autobiographical “How I Ate the Dog,” a monologue performed by Grishkovets himself that enjoyed a near-perpetual tour of Russian theatres in the early aughts. It’s been said that this work divided Russian theatre into two eras: before Grishkovets and after Grishkovets. While I wouldn’t go that far, it certainly is unique, a kind of novel-meets-theatre bit that features extensive improvisation and add-ins by the author during live performance. Here we get Grishkovets at his finest; the experiences of his navy service and childhood recounted in the monologue are not unusual or even eventful, but the way Grishkovets tells them, they take on the thoughtful yet folksy tone of an armchair philosopher’s musings, only the result is  spellbinding rather than pretentious.

The next couple of posts will feature a translation of this seminal work, which remains relatively unknown in the non-Russian speaking West, as far as I can tell. Conveying the author’s idiosyncratic humor and semantic wit will be difficult; even the title can be contentious and has been translated alternately as “How I Ate A Dog” (there are no articles in Russian). I have chosen to translate it “How I Ate the Dog” because the title references a Russian expression meaning to acquire or demonstrate mastery of a skill, which becomes  a play on words at one point in the monologue.

Depicting Grishkovets’s talent as a performer will of course be impossible. For those interested in also seeing the onstage dynamic, plenty of clips can be found online.

Sorokin part I: Moscow State University

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 6, 2009 by Alec L

mgyI got back from Moscow bleary-eyed at 6:40 a.m.  Although I’m still slowly detoxifying like a half-pickled vegetable in the sun, it’s time to kiss and tell how our Sorokin excursion went.  First, the translation:

The Eros of Moscow (continued)
By Vladimir Sorokin

1. Moscow State University and the overlook on the Vorobyev Hills

On a sunny and fair day, approach the Stalinist mass of Moscow State University from the side of the Moscow River, come in by way of the granite stairs and stop in front of the columns at the entrance.  Alongside them sit an iron young man and an iron young woman with iron books in their hands.  If you’re a man, go to the girl, if you’re a woman, to the boy.  Softly come closer to your object, climb the pedestal and place your hands on the iron chest.  Cry out “Moscow, let me in!”, stand there for a few minutes, then climb down and go to the overlook.  There place your elbows on the glossy granite parapet and look out over the panorama of the city sprawling out before you until your eyes begun to tear up.  As soon as they break out and the panorama flows together in a flickering kaleidoscope, try to feel Moscow in the form of a colorful orb gliding through the air.  Having felt this, wipe away the tears and proceed further …

When the first day of our big excursion arrived, I of course forgot the damn story at home.  As a result, we had to go off of my worm-eaten memory and the collective recollections of the small group of Russian friends to whom I had shown the story one beer-sodden, vodka-pissed night last week in St. Petersburg’s Retro Bar “Chyort Poberi” (“The Devil Take You”).

We ended up approaching from the opposite side, where we found two other statues of an iron young man and woman with iron books, no different from their easterly counterparts besides a pedestal three meters higher.  I pompously scrambled up and yelled “Moscow, let me in!” before ingloriously scrambling down to avoid yet another cop patrol taking part in the mass outpouring of police force for the May holidays.

Passing the entrance to one of the gargantuan dormitory towers, we Pop-Eyed our chests and headed inside like we owned the place. Inside was a mix of college dorm — skis and old furniture stacked in the halls  — and professor colony, with old academics sitting quietly at desks in private apartments visible only through mail-drop holes.

There on the top floor, however many stories up, we found our further progress barred by a five-button lock, which we outwitted by a little deduction of the most worn-down keys.  We were still patting each other the back when an old crone emerged from the shadows of the dim green stairwell like the Ghost of Christmas Past.  It eventually became clear from her disjointed grumblings that she lived in the tiny, uber-Soviet apartment (i.e. moldy furniture, a wood-paneled TV and strings of sardines drying in the sun outside) on the very top and wanted to know what we were doing there.

One of my Russian friends without so much as a wink explained that they had let us in at the front desk to come take in the view.  The crone calmed down and we had the best view of Moscow available outside of Ostankino Tower or the Moscow City skyscraper cluster.

After a half-an-hour we dried our eyes and ran out the way we had come, nearly getting called out by the front-desk watch as we fumbled with the main door.

Worshipping Chuck Norris, destroying emo sites: Olbanian language and Upyachka.ru, part one of many (?)

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 19, 2009 by Alec L
A still of the moving header that tops the page at Upyachka.ru.  The text reads, in deliberately mispelt and nonsensical Russian, "Animals chocho Upyachka. Upyachka upyachka!!!"

The moving header that tops the page at Upyachka.ru. As far as I or anyone else can tell, the text reads, in deliberately misspelled and nonsensical Russian, "Animals chocho Upyachka. Upyachka upyachka!!! Gaping jaws move back, repent! I'm an idiot! Kill me, anyone!"

The website Upyachka.ru is home to the hackers, nerds and bored, jaded youth of Runet, the Russian-language Internet.  It’s the temple of their rude quasi-religion, which worships Chuck Norris, Leonid from the film “300″ and quiz-show champion Anatoly Vasserman. anatoly-chuck-and-leonid

It’s also the homeland of the slang language “Olbanian,” a corruption of Russian whose speakers systematically mispronounce words for comic effect (it’s not “Albanian,” but “Olbanian, “get it?). The most common, least offensive Olbanian slang terms are “preved” (instead of “privet,”or “hello”), “Zh’rchik,” the parody of Belorussian low-quality (as many Belorussian, and, I might add, Russian products are) lemonade brand “Zhivchik” that fuels Upyachka warriors in their struggle against emo kids, and “bzhni,” which, according to my friend Anton, can mean “something bad…something good…or nothing at all.”

As they say in Olbanian, “Onotoley real’ni sledit za toboy!” — “Anatoly (“Onotoley” in Olbanian) really has his eye on you!”

P.S. The Russians tell Chuck Norris jokes, too.

Anti-acrophobia on the roofs of Peter

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 17, 2009 by Alec L
kriysha-liteynii-best-view1

The view from my roof down Liteyniy Prospekt.

Is there an opposite  of acrophobia?  I’ve suddenly developed a keen obsession for heights …

I thought myself very clever to call it “acromania,” but it turns out that means some sort of particularly violent form of insanity.

Yesterday, after sitting for far too long in front of the computer screen, I caught a whiff of spring and decided to huff it up to the roof of our 180-year-old apartment building.  The door to the “cherdak” (attic) was wide open, and beyond that, all that stood between me and the pigeon kingdom was a shattered window.

Roof-climbing is a popular pasttime in St. Petersburg, and on the steeps of the Grey City it’s something like the rush of subway surfing minus the danger of high speeds.  This is no Mary Poppins dance of the chimney sweeps — as I clambered around, my footsteps snapped the roof’s loose, metal protective casing in and out like gun shots.krishka-are-created-by-you

Parties on rooftops, under which the attendees may or may not live, are also frequently announced last-minute on sites like vkontakte.ru, the Russian rip-off of Facebook down to the very same color scheme.  It seems only reckless youth share this anti-acrophobia, because I’ve never seen anyone out on his roof, let alone his balcony.

kriysha-me-climbing-back-tu

An unlikely adventure in sleepy Pskov

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 12, 2009 by Alec L
I counted 133 rungs, so I'll estimate over 200 feet.  At the time, it felt like the Tower of Babel.

I counted 133 rungs, so I'll estimate over 200 feet. At the time, it felt like the Tower of Babel.

With a day off in honor of  women’s day, we decided to get free from the metropolis and head to the ancient Russian city of Pskov.  We expected a lazy weekend of touring churches, but found a little adventure instead in the provincial city.

Peter the Great supposedly shanghaied hundreds of thousands of able-bodied souls from this booming civilization to toil and die in the godforsaken swamp that would become St. Petersburg.  Pskov was a world center at one time, boasting Europe’s largest kremlin, but this blow just about did the old nag in.  All that’s left now is an urbane Russian city, tens of churches in the Pskovian architectural style, and 20 meters of historical refuse buried from sight in the strange, gradual effect of Pompeii-syndrome.

Many banal and brutal things happened in Pskov that weekend, including a bumbling, wine-burping tango and too much Russkii Standart, pickles and carmalized milk cookies, but the height of the action came Sunday afternoon, when our afternoon stroll ended in the dark bowels of an old Soviet “elektrostantsia,” or power station.

The Estonian Jonas took a side path into a mysterious doorway that led into an old boiler room in the basement of the hulking behemoth.  We stood in the darkness for awhile, then prepared to turn around, when we noticed another set of steps leading up.  Up the steps, through the looking glass, and a few rooms later, and we realized we had stumbled upon something big.  Jonas had led us into the belly of the whale.

Hall after gargantuan hall was littered with debris, piles of crumbled cement and hundreds of penciled-in ledger sheets detailing power flows.  An old cart with a red star outlined in its wheels.  Coal funnels in the floor descended into darkness below.  The ceilings were 50 feet high, but above the first level was another, then an upper story, then the river.  It was on the roof I caught sight of the smokestack, rising twice as high as the hulking elektrostantsia.

"Mechtateli" (Dreamers): Jonas and I face the Kubrickian music.

"Mechtateli" (Dreamers): Jonas and I face the Kubrickian music.

My soul shrunk in fear, but I knew like a moth caught in the lamp’s orbit that the attraction was too strong — trying to resist now would be like flailing against the rush-hour tide in the metro.  I waited until everyone had disappeared back into the factory, then set off for the base of the stack.

Halfway up, someone called to me.  I paused to look down, and at that awful moment got a full grasp on the situation.  The wind was rushing fast by now, like the sound of a thousand steam engines reverberating into the infitesimal end of a conch shell.  I felt like Kong, swatting at planes, and the fall couldn’t be far off.

Almost turned back, but then I caught sight of a blue-domed cathedral in the distance.  It wasn’t a religious epiphany that struck me, however, but merely a realization — when would I get a better chance to suck straight from the adrenal gland of life?

And so onward!  At the top of the stack at last, I felt close to what Hunter S. Thompson described as “the rumored echo of a high white noise that most men never hear.”

“Judge into the soap!”

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on March 5, 2009 by Alec L

The days when the Russkies dominated the world in hockey are long over.  In the second half of the 20th century, the Soviets won an overwhelming majority of Olympic medals in the sport and invented a highly orchestrated, tactical style of play that forced the scrambling North American old guard to change its style of play. Now teams like St. Petersburg’s SKA (which stands for “Army Sport Club”) play a dirty, sloppy version of the game that you would sooner expect to see at a high-school match in some concrete arena in the Rust Belt.

The cheering, however, is world class.  I won’t go into the murky expanses of the rude cheers fans yell in mat (the Russian cuss-word dialect), but I will spend a moment on the popular chant, “Sudyu na miylo!,” which means, “Judge into the soap!”

As you might expect, this phrase is offered up in disagreement with a referee’s call.  What’s not so clear is where this phrase actually comes from; my inquiries have turned up several different variations:

1.  One version holds that the ref has tainted himself with his unfair call and needs to be washed clean, wash his hands of the fiasco, wash his mouth out, or any such variation on this theme.

2.  One oft-tread example of blue humor is premised on the idea that you should never bend over to retrieve a fallen bar of soap in the prison showers (“Don’t drop the soap …”).  This joke is told in Russian, as well, and one version of the etymology of this phrase includes the thought that the ref should bend over to pick up the soap, exposing his rear for a rather swinish form of retribution.

3.  The most substantial explanation involves the production of soap.  As anyone who’s seen Fight Club knows, you make soap from fat, including human fat.  The basic idea is that if the judge makes an incorrect call, he ought to be killed and his fat used to make soap.  Some go further to say that in ancient times, athletic teams did just this with crooked refs, then bathed with the resulting product.

How to rob the Russian National Library

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on February 15, 2009 by Alec L

When I was doing research at the Russian National Library yesterday, I got the distinct impression that I might as well have been working on the biography of a convicted felon. The security at the library is as tight as a supermax prison, the rules for visiting are just as strict, and the staff is about as friendly as a bunch of shotgun-wielding wardens.

The “publichka” still works like a Soviet institution, and like most relics of this era, it operates with all the staggering inefficiency and perplexingly complex procedures of a Five-Year plan. But Soviet legacy alone cannot explain the entirely illogical functioning of the library: It has a special “izyumenka” (“raisin bit”) of impenetrability all its own.

I showed up yesterday and deposited my outer clothing at the “garderobe” – no coats allowed in the library. Then I exchanged my shoulder bag for another plastic number – no bags allowed in the library. I headed upstairs to the elaborate entry mechanism with my notebook, folder and dictionary. The guard spotted me before I had even approached the checkpoint and yelled out, “ ‘Molodoi chelovyek’ (‘young man’), from where are those headphones!?” I had to go back downstairs and stash my iPod in my bag – no “players” allowed in the library. I had to wonder, are they honestly that worried I’m going to somehow rig an mp3 player to gyp the library out of a few dollars of photocopy work?

As he approached the gate, the hardened criminal gently patted the inside of his leg, where his specially outfitted mp3 player was taped to his calf. He rehearsed the plan in his head once more: Acting every bit the mild-mannered graduate student, he would wordlessly fill out the documentation and stroll nonchalantly through the checkpoint, then head immediately to philology collection on the second floor …

I got several steps farther on the next try, but then the documents lady spotted my dictionary, which I’ve carried with me on several visits to the library. I had to go downstairs and deposit that, too – no dictionaries allowed in the library, at least on this occasion. It was of course an arduous 20-minute search to find where to check out a library dictionary, involving stops at four different desks on two different floors and tense conversations with twice as many unsmiling, green-uniformed screws.

Having infiltrated the outer shell of defenses, the criminal entered the philology collection, where he innocently requested a number of interesting titles from the librarian at the counter. He took them to the rarely used reference fund on the third floor, where he carefully but speedily began to capture each page in medium-resolution images …

To keep with the supermax analogy, if the entry gate is the confiscation of electronics, metal objects and loose-leaf paper (to be possibly wetted by spittle over a period of several weeks to create a razor-sharp shank), then the collections themselves are like the stalls with two phones separated by a plate of plexiglass. Browsing the stacks is not allowed in the library; patrons must rifle through drawers of card catalogs, then fill out detailed request forms to be given to the lone librarian at the counter. This old crone retrieves all books herself at glacial speed, with the result that most of your visit is spent in glazed-over stupor, waiting in a line with whoever else haplessly wound up in the library that day.

Of course, if you found your materials in the electronic catalog, you need to request them at a distant counter on the fourth floor, which takes two days to retrieve them. Once they arrive, the books will stay for 10 days, speaking of which, I forgot to mention that it’s not allowed to check out books in the library. Once the publichka closes at seven, you better have returned your materials and be on your way out.

Hearing the slippered footsteps of an aged librarian, he was forced to leave off at 27 pages. They would soon grow suspicious, he knew, and he didn’t want to jeopardize his achievement. He returned the books and had his documents stamped. But he couldn’t help a sly grin on his way out; he had 27 pages of prime material to upload to the Internet or sell on the Black Market.  Surely, he could fetch a high price for copies free of that annoying Xerox graininess …

Disclaimer: I cannot pretend to fully understand the intricate workings of the Russian National Library in their entirety. What is written here is an impression based on my limited experience; rules and procedures are subject to change based on whoever happens to be manning the supermax on a given day.

‘Обитаемый Остров’: The Russian ‘Star Wars’?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 3, 2009 by Alec L

PrintFor the first few minutes of Fyodor Bondarchuk’s Inhabited Island, I thought I might soon be forced to lament the loss of a perfectly good cinema ticket at Shopogolik (Confessions of a Shopaholic) next door. The film opened like a sophomore comm-arts class project heavily inspired by the remake of Lost in Space: Golden-locked Maxim (Vasiliy Stepanov) is promising his mom, via videophone, that he’ll start studying for exams soon when his spaceship hits a meteor storm and crash-lands on a strange planet. Maxim, of course, immediately hops out to strut about in the foreign atmosphere, and just in the nick of time, as his spaceship explodes behind him.

But on the strength of its first part alone (the second part comes out in April), I’m willing to say Inhabited Island is actually an excellent film. Depending on the performance of the second half, it will go down in history as either the Russian Star Wars – a groundbreaking science-fiction smash able to engage almost any audience – or the Russian Starship Troopers, a dumb flick beloved for its imaginative yet mindless fun.

The film follows Maxim, a jet-setting teen of the year 2157, as he begins constructing a new life on this alien planet there without even a backward glance. Indeed, the whole “E.T. phone home” theme is completely missing from Inhabited Island, and Maxim for this reason is not an entirely believable character. Stepanov doesn’t try to persuade us otherwise, employing an acting style in the Tom Cruise model; he walks, he talks, he looks good kicking ass.  Nothing close to an Oscar, but it works.

Maxim leaves the ruins of his ship behind and hops a caravan to the nearest space-age metropolis, befriending his guard, Gai (Pyotr Fyodorov), along the way. After losing himself in the city, he turns his intent gaze and monosyllable charms on an especially becoming waitress, who turns out to be none other than Gai’s sister Rada (Yulia Snigir).

Our hero makes himself at home, trading on the currency of his ever-present dumb grin, and joins Gai in the army. Little does he know there are sinister powers at work in the form of a ruthless authoritarian government that controls the minds of the citizenry through a network of brainwave towers. Two powerful magnates of the ruling circle – “Strannik” (“Strange One,” Aleksei Serebryakov) and “Umnik” (“Smart One,” played by director Bondarchuk) – take an all-too-keen interest in Maxim, even as our hero barges ahead in unveiling the darker truths of the society, as well as his own secret powers.

Granted, after such a summation, Inhabited Island hardly seems like the Slavic answer to Star Wars. And indeed, the reception among Russian moviegoers has been lukewarm, from what I can tell. My literature professor found the film too fast-paced, with typical popcorn-flick overemphasis on special effects and action. My friend Anton, on the other hand, was left hankering for more action, and hopes the second part will be more dynamic in this area, as well as in character development.  Oh, and another criteria is that Maxim stops smiling so much. I mean, that’s just not Russian.

“If the second part is like the first, I’ll say, ‘I’m an idiot for going to the movie theatre,’” Anton mused. But whereas he would have considered the first part a disappointment if it had been an American production, he admitted the flick was especially ambitious for a Russian film, and for that reason better than expected.

Whatever the criteria for judging may be, Inhabited Island brings a rare, dreamy creativity to the Russian screen. Bondarchuk’s adaptation of Arkady and Boris Strugatsky’s novel of the same name conjures up a detailed tapestry of characters and imagined culture a la Frank Herbert’s Dune, although the prolific use of minor deus-ex-machinas to move things along renders the Strugatskys’ plot pale in comparison to Herbert’s. The near-childlike sense of wonder and excitement as Maxim wonders the lively markets and urban slums (there’s the Russian cultural background popping up) of the giant city, or the elaborate dress and rituals of the palaces where the perpetual games of power play out, invokes the kind of fun, richly textured backdrop displayed by the Star Wars scenes at the Tattooine cantina and Jabba’s palace. And there’s no crude marketing devices like Ewoks or Jar-Jar Binks to ruin the sense of majesty: As the Russians would say, “Glory to God,” or “slava boga!”

Equally tongue-in-cheek is the film’s social message, which, at least for a hopelessly nostalgic Slavicist like myself, calls to mind the noble Russian tradition of political commentary through art. Unlike the vague specter of the Empire in Star Wars, the Dark Side in Inhabited Island parallels several historical and contemporary trends.

On the historical side, the magnates wield the state’s iron hand to modernize their empire, even while infighting amongst themselves, performing subterfuge by friendly letters or taking a gun to someone’s head to prove their loyalty to the supreme leader: In other words, a sci-fi mock-up of Stalin’s regime and modernization campaign. At the same time, raids against “enemies of the state,” dogmatic interrogation tribunals and political prisoners exiled to the far reaches of the empire invoke the systematic terror and prison camps described in Solzhenitsyn’s Gulag Archipelago.

On the modern side, it surely no coincidence that a main function of the mind-control towers is to remove critical appraisement of the propaganda put out by the television news. As in Russia today, TV serves as the main source of information on the Inhabited Island, even though it is controlled by the state. And the restless Southern borderlands could even be taken in reference to Russia’s tumultuous Caucasus region, although this will be explored more in the second part.

All in all, a worthy effort from the son of famous Soviet director Sergei Bondarchuk, who did a masterful film interpretation of Tolstoy’s War and Peace. And even if it doesn’t prove to be the Russian Star Wars, it has at lost brought a great made-up word into the popular lexicon, ingenious in its simplicity: “Massaraksh!,” which is just as delightful in its pronunciation as in its meaning, “The world is inside out!,” and can be used positively or negatively.

For the full verdict, I’ll wait on the second part. But for now, I have one word for the film’s impact on Russian cinema: “Massaraksh!”

Play review tackles disregard of Soviet past

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on January 31, 2009 by Alec L

Asya Levina hit the nail on the head with a review of the new play “Mandelstam’s Not Here” (“Mandelstama Nyet”) in Utro Peterburga:

“In the conditions of the economic, financial and spiritual crisis, our countrymen are starting to forget their own history, even that recent history of the Gulags, which they opened for themselves with such enthusiasm just ten short years ago … The key idea of the play about Mandelstam is exactly that the past did not disappear to anywhere; it is felt and, not having understood, not having interpreted it, not having constructed a precise moral relationship with it, to advance into the future is impossible.”

Read my thoughts on University & State.

Nepal toasts Obama, the morning after

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on January 21, 2009 by Alec L

For the full account of Alec L’s stomach-turning exploits at the Kathmandu Obama ball and his jaded, cloying thoughts on the matter, see his other blog, University & State.